This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

As we consider the TV offerings of the recent year, a selection of series emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing sequels to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the productions that had us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

Where to begin with this divisive follow-up? Plagued with dreadful scripts, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show struggled to justify its existence. Briefly, as the third series started, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner declared this would be the last series. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was just way too on-the-nose. Still, fans undeniably found joy dissecting every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a small sob?

The Kim Kardashian Drama

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’

But that was almost the smallest of this drama's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon no-star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The hilariously leaden writing? The tedious veneration of affluence and materialism? The almost deliberate parade of cliches? Performances so poor they felt almost malicious? Let’s just say “all of the above” and forget about this show again. However, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.

The Charlie Sheen Documentary

Considering the legal troubles, abuse allegations and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have known it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us a single thing we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charming but dismissive narcissist.

The Supercomputer Drama

Of course we knew it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of sheer admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.

The Gangster Drama

Dodgy figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.

Actually, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate unconvincing dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Mainly that it was just really boring; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Given the degree to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you view them and are forced to concede that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a poster for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are clearly fascinating things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this three-part series chose not to say them. Rather, the experience was akin to consuming a marketing brochure. She clearly has good reason to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded letdown of a series.

The Game Show

It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a famous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too confusing to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.

Too Much

How do you succeed a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.

The Sketch Show Return

Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a one-note joke milked to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar irate mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox

This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.

The Maths Genius Thriller

We love the star … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about government agencies spying on – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.

The Bonnie Blue Documentary

This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.